Law jokes

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

Yo' mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack.

Why did the T-Rex 🦖 get a ticket?

He ran at a stomp light!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

What do you call an American house?

A gun safe.

Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

You're so ugly when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

What is a woman doing with an empty sheet?

Reading her rights!

Why can orphans get away with robbing the bank?

Because no one wants him.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

These jokes are darker than the list of victims dead from cops.

A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."

He couldn't shoot straight.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?

An animal abuse warrant.

What is the difference between an American and an orphan?

They don't have a home to get their guns.