Lates jokes

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?

Dumb.

Little Johnny was late to class. The teacher asked him where he was. Little Johnny said, "I was on top of Marry Hill." Then a kid comes late to class and also said he was on Marry Hill. Then a little girl that's about 4 or 5 comes in. The teacher asks, "Who are you?" She said, "I'M MARRY HILL!"

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."

The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."

The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."

The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."

The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."

The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."

The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."

It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."

What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?

My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.

Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.

Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.

Orphans: YAY!

5 minutes later...

Orphans: Wait... where's the...

Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*

Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe

When you were late to school and your teacher called you tardy, she meant that in more ways than one.

The Emo kid was late to his flight, so he needed to cut to the chase.

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

1, 2, Freddy's coming for you.

3, 4, better lock your door.

5, 6, grab a crucifix.

7, 8, stay up late.

9, 10, never sleep again.

I love this song, y'all! Like if you love it too! :)