Language jokes

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, they have a British accent.

How do you tell the difference between a Communist and everybody else? The way they are spelled.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?

Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."

What do you call a swearing piece of shit?

Cus-turd.

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

You.

Tell someone to spell "Icup."

Answer: It will say, "I see you pee!"

The "f" in orphan stands for family.... wait a minute!

Most people don't realize this, but the F in orphan stands for family.

Did you know the F in orphan stands for family?

(There is no F in orphan.)

My "friend" has dyslexia.

Q: What do you call an owner that can't take care of their cat? A: A impurrefect owner.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Ash."

"Ash who?"

"Bless you!"

They call me Juan, they call me Jose, but I'm Juan person.

You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."

Si, papi?

Depressed should be spelled "depraseed" because then they would be 1, 2, 5, 9.

You know, "f" in orphan stands for family.