Kid jokes

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

Why can't two Asians make a white kid?

Because two wongs don't make a white.

Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!

Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.

When the school shooter throws a smoke bomb into the classroom, and the autistic kid thinks it's a dance party.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?

A 9mm.

Why can’t orphanage kids play baseball?

Cause they don’t know where home is.

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

Do you know why I hate pedophiles?

They are fucking immature kids!

What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?

Bored games.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.

What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.

Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.

Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.

Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."

"Why not?"

"He keeps peeing in the pool."

"Well, all kids pee in the pool."

"Not from the diving board!"

Kid asks, "What is dark humor?" Me *points*, "See that guy across the street..." Kid: "I can't... I'm blind." Me: "Exactly."

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.