Kid jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
Why can’t orphanage kids play baseball?
Cause they don’t know where home is.
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.
We all know what rapper she’s talking about…
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...
I met a kid at the park. He was holding a picture of his parents in his hands. They had died on 9/11.
So, I went to comfort him. I said, "Hey, I lost my grandpa on 9/11. He was great. At flying a plane."
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
Why do Roman Catholics have so many kids?
So there’s more for the priest.
A kid with hallucinations and cancer is on a Jeopardy game show.
"What's behind curtain #1... YOU HAVE WON..... CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "I like kids."
What does an emo kid and an apple have in common?
They both are hanging.
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
Do you know why I hate pedophiles? They are fucking immature kids!
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.