Kid jokes
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.
What did the kid say to the toilet?
"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"
My wife left me and took the kids.
Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
Kid: Licks money.
Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.
Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.
What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?
Bored games.
What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?
A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...