Kid jokes

Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.

Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common? Firstly, they both went from black to white, and secondly, they both get turned on by kids.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?

A 9mm.

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.