I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.
A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.
Where does Spider-Man keep his pictures?
On a website.
*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?
"Keep this shit between you and me."
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.
My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.
How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it's a find-a-word. 😂🤣
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
