Keep jokes

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

What song genre do the national anthems fit into?

Country.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

Where does Spider-Man keep his pictures?

On a website.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Keep this shit between you and me."

How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it's a find-a-word. 😂🤣

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.