Keep jokes

Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?

Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

How does the bunny keep his fur neat?

With a hare brush.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Keep the planet clean. It's not Uranus.

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

Where do fish keep their money?

In a riverbank!