Keep jokes

What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.

Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.

Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"

Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

I hate writing dwarf jokes, but I normally keep them short.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.

Why?

They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

Why are orphans bad at basketball?

They haven't learned how to keep the ball with them.

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

What's the biggest problem with gravity?

It keeps putting people down.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Yo momma so fat that she don't need a backpack. She keeps her things in her Lagrangian points.

Why do special ed classes have fans?

To keep the vegetables nice and fresh.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snowbank.

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow!

Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?

British cigarettes get smoked easily.

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sodas? Yoo-hoo-hoo and Mountain Dew-hoo-hoo. What cola company should people get to keep him at bay? Pep-see-hee.

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because women can’t keep their mouth shut to build up any pressure.

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!