Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.
Keep Jokes
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:
White person: Dad, you're home!
Black person: Dad?
White person: You can keep the change.
Black person: Empty the register.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.
(Male fantasy)
Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.
Why did Hitler keep on f***ing England?
Because it had a Great Booty!
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
How do rappers keep themselves clean?
They drop SOAP BARS.
They're making a new Alien movie.
There are so many aliens you can't keep track.
Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?
British cigarettes get smoked easily.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.
Why?
The ducks keep trying to eat him.
Why would they do that?
Because he’s pure-bread.
Why did the rapper sit on the clock?
He wanted to keep it real with TIME.
Why don't booties make good drummers?
They can't keep a beat without making a FART NOISE.
Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?
You keep the tradition of hitting black things.
How does a rapper keep their money safe?
In a RAP VAULT.
What do you call a rapper who can't keep a beat?
A RAPPER-TAP-TAP!
Why was the rapper always on time?
Because they had a PHAT BEAT to keep them in check!
Why did the rapper bring a clock to the stage?
To keep track of his rhyme time.