Keep Jokes

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."

The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Haven´t posted in a few months. I will keep posting memes together with @#StayatHome every day :)

The image shows a search result saying "Oxygen was discovered about 1772" and then shows a picture of a patient with an oxygen mask, labeled "Hospitals in 1771". Next to the patient is a bag of Lay's Classic chips.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?

Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"