I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.
Why did the ACLU block the cellphone number of a Christian nationalist minister? Because the Christian nationalist had a virus on his cellphone and kept calling the ACLU because he wanted to join the ACLU because he wanted to become a card-carrying member of the ACLU.
So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.
The reason that girls are not allowed in boys' treehouses is because girls can't keep their mouths shut about boys taking turns sucking each other's hotdogs.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
What is Wacko Jacko's favorite David Bowie song?
"Boys Keep Swinging."
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
