Joke jokes
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Dad joke time:
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
What's the difference between twin towers and McDonald's?
One had a drive thru and the other had a fly thru.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
Dad, am I adopted?
NO! Why would I ever choose you?
Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Me: Cobain!
Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.
Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What do you call a Native American with a boner?
A redwood.
There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
What's the difference between anal rape and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your meat.
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.