Joke Jokes

Think everyone who wrote these jokes are dead yet?

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

What did the north tower say to the south tower?

"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.

Too bad he left him hanging.

Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

Dark humor is like a dad - not everyone gets it.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.