Joke jokes

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What is the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

What did the cow say to the leather chair?

“Hi Mom!”

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

Why should you never make height jokes about dwarfs?

It goes right over their head.

What do you call a U.S. border hopper?

A Mexican jumping bean.

Scientists say a banana a day is great for the colon.

But you gotta eat it!

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Two terrorists walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."

The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"

Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."

A man walks into a bar "Why am I so bad at Limbo?"

How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?

He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.

What do you call a fart in a gay bar?

A mating call.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.