Joke jokes
Q: What's black, white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Dad, am I adopted?
NO! Why would I ever choose you?
Why is Mars red? Because it saw Uranus! 😂
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? The exylo-bone!
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
Who are the fastest readers of all time?
People who jumped out of the Twin Towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.
What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.
What's red and screams when you shake it?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.