Joke jokes
What did one tree say to the tree that was a bully? "LEAF me alone."
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
What did the butcher say to the pig?
Nice to meat you.
I gave an orphan an iPhone X for a reason.
It doesn’t have a home button.
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
I saw this girl with blue hair and slapped her wrist and said, “NICE CUT G!”
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
It says enter a joke, but I can't enter my life.
How many babies does it take to light up a basement?
I don't know, my basement is still dark.
What's a homeless person's favorite cookie?
Pooreos.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a book?
The book has papers.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
What is the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter F.
So, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "Alright, so a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "Okay, here you go." So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone!
My friend asks for a turkey burger on 4th of July. I say, "That's Thanksgiving, man!"