Joke jokes

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.

My life is the joke.

Why is the leaning tower of pizza leaning? 'Cuz it had better reflexes than the twin towers.

Your hairline is so far back, I wrote a summary about it.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

What's an emo's favorite game?

Limbo.

(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but they usually crash and burn.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

Why did the girls sit on the clock?

To be on time.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.