Ives jokes

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?

I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.

I don't see why people say that emo kids don't like to hang out.

I've seen them hanging all day.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?

"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!

Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!

I’ve seen more life in a bowl of WEEK-OLD GUACAMOLE than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.

I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.

Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.

Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

Chenle: One time when I was younger, someone asked me how old I was and I forgot. I had to Wikipedia my age to remember.

Jisung: This is the richest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Hello people. I've seen your jokes are as immature as hell. Keep going with those jokes, people. We might earn the funniest jokes on this website.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.

I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.

I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.

As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."