it's jokes

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

I ate a baby, it tasted like baby.

Your hairline is so far back your dad had to go find it for you.

Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?

It scares the shit out of her dog.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected into office.

Sorry, it was supposed to say "Female," but the "emale" got deleted.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it.

Did you know Disney is making a movie for suicidal people?

They're calling it Finding Emo.

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can FEEL it!

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Is it sexual harassment if a midget walks by you and tells you that your hair smells nice?