it's jokes

Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.

I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.

What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?

Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".

Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s a sensitive subject.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Depression, I got it.

A girlfriend, don't got it.

A life, don't got it.

Help, got it.

Friends, don't got it.

Family, I got it.

Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

Life is like a penis, women make it hard.

Proof that 9/11 isn't a government plot.

It worked.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.