it's jokes
Who is the fastest reader? 9/11, it went through 10 stories in 7 seconds.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.
Your hairline is so far back, I wrote a summary about it.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You never turn your back to your family.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.