it's jokes

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

Your hairline is so far back, I wrote a summary about it.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Who is the fastest reader? 9/11, it went through 10 stories in 7 seconds.

Why is the leaning tower of pizza leaning? 'Cuz it had better reflexes than the twin towers.

Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?

Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You never turn your back to your family.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.

Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.