Intoxication jokes

A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"

The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."

The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?

She was drunk.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.

What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

What do you call it when a man gets high in Panera Bread?

Panera sped.

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

Got fired from the bank yesterday.

They caught me drinking on the job.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

I can't come in, because I'm too high.

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.

Knock knock.

Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.

Grim Reaper who?

The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.

When you say, "I'm high!"

But then you fall off.

Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.

He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.

He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.

Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."

What do you call a drunken Muslim?

Mohammered.

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.