Substance Abuse jokes
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
What’s the difference between kids and drugs?
I don’t hide drugs in my basement.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
I like my women like I like my scotch:
12 years old and mixed with coke.
Why can't you say hi to a drug addict?
They'll say "yea."
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
George Floyd: 3 years sober, drug and alcohol free.
Weirdo: I'm too high to die!
Me: You'll just fall harder.