What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
Substance Abuse Jokes
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
I like my women like I like my scotch:
12 years old and mixed with coke.
Why can't you say hi to a drug addict?
They'll say "yea."
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Weirdo: I'm too high to die!
Me: You'll just fall harder.
You look like a heroin addict in a women's refuge.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
