Intoxication jokes
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
When dwarfs get high, do they just get medium?
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."