Intoxication jokes
I wanna see this pic of me in a bra! Where do I find it?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I am high and so are you.
One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...
...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.
What time is it when you get home and you can walk, walk? Eeeeeew!
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
I can't come in, because I'm too high.
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."
Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.
I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.
What time is it when you get home and you can't walk home?
Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.
Knock knock.
Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.
Grim Reaper who?
The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.
When the police saw your hairline, they gave your barber a breathalyzer test.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
A drunk guy asked his penis: 《Tell me, how can you get shorter and longer and I can't?》
《Why don't you speak to me?》
《Stop getting shorter and longer or I will choke you.》
《Oh yeah, I like it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)》
Hhhhhhhhh ♪(┌・。・)┌
A random drunk person ate poop, but he found out it was liquid...