Intoxication jokes
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
Better to drink until you wave it off than to wave it down.
What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mohammered.
When you say, "I'm high!"
But then you fall off.
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?
"Alcohol, you later!"
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"