I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol, but if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all.
When the police saw your hairline, they gave your barber a breathalyzer test.
I wanna see this pic of me in a bra! Where do I find it?
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
A drunk guy asked his penis: 《Tell me, how can you get shorter and longer and I can't?》
《Why don't you speak to me?》
《Stop getting shorter and longer or I will choke you.》
《Oh yeah, I like it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)》
Hhhhhhhhh ♪(┌・。・)┌
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high, smoking weed, talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage.
And then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor, gets drunk, and asks the rabbit, "Can I have one more scotch, pretty please?"
And the rabbit says, "Hell to the naw, I'm not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath."
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
What time is it when you get home and you can't walk?
Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."
A random drunk person ate poop, but he found out it was liquid...
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.
What time is it when you get home and you can't walk home?
One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...
...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.
I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.
A Mexican is drunk and he has a passenger in the car, and the passenger asked, "Where are we going?"
The Mexican says, "I'm not driving, the drunk guy is."
