Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
In the realm where words wander free, A tale unfolds, unbounded and carefree, Jayden, a curious soul, embarks on a quest, An enigmatic journey, where desires manifest.
Marching through the corridors of cyberspace, He delves into realms of passion and grace, With a click and a glance, a world awakes, As pixels dance, his curiosity takes.
In the dimly lit room, shadows play, Jayden surrenders to this clandestine display, A voyeur to fantasies, unspoken and raw, He gazes upon screens, an uncharted draw.
Whispers of temptation echo in his ears, As he navigates through fantasies and fears, The allure of the forbidden, an intoxicating call, Jayden's senses entangled, in a mesmerizing thrall.
But amidst the symphony of moans and sighs, A realization dawns, awakening his eyes, For behind the allure, a truth is revealed, In the depths of this world, a heart left concealed.
Within the flickering scenes of pleasure's masquerade, Lies a yearning for connection, a soul's crusade, Jayden, march forward, beyond the screens, Seek the embrace of love, where true beauty gleams.
For within the realm of flesh and bone, A deeper fulfillment can truly be known, In the tender touch, in the warmth of a kiss, Lies a bliss beyond pixels, a love that won't dismiss.
So, let Jayden march, with newfound grace, From the fantasies that once held his embrace, For the world awaits, with its wonders untold, Where love reigns supreme, a story yet to unfold.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...
...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
What do you call it when a man gets high in Panera Bread?
Panera sped.
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
When the police saw your hairline, they gave your barber a breathalyzer test.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.
