Intimacy jokes

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There is a party in my mouth, and your dick is invited.

Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.

Like if you wanna have sex.

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.

He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?

There are 20 of them.

Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.

You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.

If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.

I want a relationship.

*Masturbates*

I don't want a relationship.

Can't be bothered with jokes, me and Syd Drake f**k 24/7.

What do both a hooker and a customer have in common? They come onto each other.

They say making and having friends comes with some benefits. I guess you could say I have friends with benefits.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.