Intimacy Jokes

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What is similar between sex and fishing?

It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.

How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace.

A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.

He: "Do you smoke after sex?"

She: "I don't know. I've never looked."

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.

How is smoking similar to oral sex?

The closer to the butt you get the stronger the flavor! 🤢

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

My sex life.

Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There is a party in my mouth, and your dick is invited.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.

He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?

There are 20 of them.