Intimacy jokes

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What is similar between sex and fishing?

It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.

A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.

He: "Do you smoke after sex?"

She: "I don't know. I've never looked."

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

How is smoking similar to oral sex?

The closer to the butt you get the stronger the flavor! 🤢

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

My sex life.

Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.