Instead jokes

Yo momma so slutty, she did a mukbang video with dicks instead of food.

Lol, the Twin Towers ordered a drop in from Pizza Hut, but instead they got a hot and ready from Jet's.

Don't break girls' hearts. Break their legs instead. They're two.

The smartest kid in my class says "is-land" instead of "island."

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

The bird was trying to cross the road because there was a church, but instead, the birds chirp chirp chirp, "Let's go to church!"

Why was the rapper bad at baseball?

Because he always dropped the MIC instead of the BAT.

Why were the Twin Towers mad during 9/11?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead got plane.

He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.

Like if you think Joel was a hero for saving Ellie instead of saving the world.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was cutting onions, the onions cried instead of her.

Why was the Pakistani bomber angry? Since he got a pepperoni instead of a plain [pizza].

True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.

11/9 is opposite day. The towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11, way.

Why do you like cream instead of bugs?

Because bugs can kill you.

Beating the Akatsuki is easy... Naruto should've used painkillers instead. :)

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.