Replacement jokes

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"

What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

Five little monkeys jumping on a bed.

One fell off and bumped his head. Mamma called Walmart, and Walmart said,

"We will give you a replacement!"

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

Since Christopher Reeves can't play Superman, they got a new person: Christopher Walken.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

What does an orphan and a wheelchair have in common?

They can both be replaced.

What mistake did the manager of the Twin Towers make?

He replaced all the window cleaners with 2 commercial jets.

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

The 1645 service has been cancelled and has been replaced by a replacement bus service.

EasyJet would like to apologise to all of those who are travelling to Greece.

Replace the v in Venus with a p.