Instead Jokes

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

By:Xzavier

Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A

Instead of Edward scissor hands I’m Edwardscissor wrists

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper But instead I showed them my wrists

I downloaded fruit ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself

Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

Me: What are Lucky Harms?

Them: They're Lucky charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.

I am Funny but sad. I submit jokes you'll love. Anyway...

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared if being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

I would tell you an orphan joke, ehh I’ll just tell your parents instead

Fatty told Skinyy "Do you have any food my stomach is empty and I haven't eaten" Skinny replied to Fatty "Well doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead"

I saw a emo orphan by a tree and I was going to give it a high-five but instead I just let it hang.➰