when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder
Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why where the peopel in twin towers mad that wonted a drive frow pepperoni pizza but got a fly frow plan in sted
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A
Instead of Edward scissor hands I’m Edwardscissor wrists
I downloaded fruit ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper But instead I showed them my wrists
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
By:Xzavier
I would tell you an orphan joke, ehh I’ll just tell your parents instead
Fatty told Skinyy "Do you have any food my stomach is empty and I haven't eaten" Skinny replied to Fatty "Well doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead"
I saw a emo orphan by a tree and I was going to give it a high-five but instead I just let it hang.➰
A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. -- That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
