INS jokes
What do you call someone in a wheelchair being pushed by a cannibal?
A to-go order.
When it comes to mosquitoes in Africa, should you feel bad that they're getting AIDS from their victims?
What do atoms and parents have in common to orphans? You can't see either of them.
What do Donald Trump and a dick have in common?
Liberals can't keep either one out of their mouths.
Why should you shoot a homeless crackhead in the head?
Because they're basically zombies.
What do you do in India when you need to tell the time but don't have the money for a watch?
You bob your head from side to side like a metronome.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They wait for it to turn itself in.
What do Michael Vick and John Wick have in common?
Got into deep shit when it came to dogs.
What do George Floyd and an astronaut have in common?
They both have very little air to breathe.
What do hockey players and cops have in common?
They both use sticks to hit something black.
A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.
At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.
Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"
Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.
The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"
The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
What do George Floyd and Jordan Neely have in common?
Both can't breathe.
If African immigrants are supposed to stay in their country, why can't their resources do the same?
A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.
One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.
They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.
A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
A guard at a baseball stadium let in the pheasant, the chicken, and the duck. But he didn't let in the turkey. Why? Because four strikes and you are out!
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
When the police caught him stealing batteries, he was immediately charged.
The cops are accusing him of resisting. He's now languishing in a cell, where he is currently awaiting an appearance in Circuit Court.
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.