INS jokes
Ever since convicted New York State felon Donald John Trump has taken office, the Canada-US border has been a mess of tariffs, counter-tariffs and boycotts.
And where does it end? I just got served a salad with 500 Islands in the dressing instead of a thousand. The price was the same.
What's the worst thing to hear in a prison shower?
"Drop the soap, we've got you surrounded."
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
Who is the Hamburglar's perverted cousin?
The Turdburglar.
You really do not want to see the mess these two make of the washrooms in a fast food joint.
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they're very tiny and we're not sure how they got in there.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.
Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.
I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.
What do Diddy and Turkish men have in common?
They both use lots of oil.
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
What do Jews and Black people have in common?
Living off welfare checks.
Why do Jews suck at mugging?
Because all they ask for is the spare change in your pockets.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What does Meg do when she gets a cold sore?
She bathes in diarrhea.
What came first: the chicken or the egg?
Doesn't matter, in the future, they'll come together.
What do Somalians excel at in the US?
Welfare fraud.
So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.
I said, "No, they don't have double doors."
Why are transgender people like confused kids?
Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.
What do Indian and Jewish people have in common?
They both avoid the showers at all times.
What do Arby's and black women have in common? They both have the meats.