Injury jokes

My arm: "I'M GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT!"

What's white and black and red all over? A nun that fell down stairs.

You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.

He got a paper cut and bled out.

If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...

Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?

Because her neck was killing her.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she got shot. Dumb bitch!

Say _______ is so flat that when someone hit them, they got a paper cut!

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.

What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

A neck.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

I gave a blind man a gun and told him it was a hair dryer.

What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?

You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"

Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.