What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
Why do emo kids not run? Because their bodies will tear apart from the bones from all the cuts.
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What part do people slit the most?
Everyone.
Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What goes hahaha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.
Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.
My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
Q: How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
A: She kept stepping on a rake.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
