My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
I'll break your bones, b*tch.
Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"
Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"
Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"
Little Mickel was on a tree.
He fell down and hurt his knee.
He sat down and started to cry, and from there, he would never lie.
A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.
Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.
Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.
It’s raining, it’s pouring. The old man is snoring. He got shot in the head and didn’t wake up in the morning.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.
U die from robot bite.
My arm: "I'M GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT!"
You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.
He got a paper cut and bled out.
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?
Because her neck was killing her.
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
