Im jokes

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?

I’m gay.

Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.