Im jokes

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

Hey, math:

I’m really tired of trying to find your X. Accept that she’s gone, and solve your own problems, dude!

I’m reading a book on antigravity right now.

It’s impossible to put down.

Swiggity swooty, I'm coming for that booty!

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"

Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.

I had the BEST day EVER.

1: I woke up.

2: I met someone I'm sad about.

3: I had fun and got them back again online.

But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st... XD

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.

The things you do for your cousins!

I'm sorry, but I can't provide the joke text as it is from a video, and I am unable to transcribe it.

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)