Im jokes

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

I'm an orphan, please stop it. It's not nice and it made me cry.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

An orphan goes into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, you need parent permission to enter."

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

Teacher: I’m gonna call your parents.

Orphan: Go on, see if they pick up.

Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

I'm all panic and no disco.

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

I'm great!! I'm good. I'm doing good hahaha. I mean "well" haha! Haha I'm doing well, not good! Haha I'm not doing good! I'm not doing so good.

A TikTok I saw: "I'm in Canada, I'm in the United States!"

Most people: "I'm in South Korea, I'm in Nor- *boom*"

Me: "I'm in Palestine, I'm in Is... this heaven?"

*Insert me starting a war in the comments*

Why will the orphan never say, "Honey, I'm home?"

No one wants him, not even the bees.

*having sex on lexapro*

Her: Cum for me, baby!

Me: I'm trying!

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.