Ill jokes
Wanna hear a pun?
Welp, I'll punch you with one!
How do you leave an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"
What did the mother cheetah say to her cub?
"Go to bed or I'll slap your spots off you!"
This joke is so funny, I'll bet you greened (grinned).
Why did the cake say to the scammer? "I'll scam you up!"
Attention, everyone: I will be leaving this website. Thank you everybody who has been nice to me. Maybe I’ll come back in the future, but for now: Goodbye.
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...
“Are you still holding the ladder??”
I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.
Gregg says to his friend, who is a girl, and says, "Hey, umm, do you, umm, want to do something?"
And the girl says, "Umm, sure, why not?"
Gregg says, "Well, then we have to go somewhere secretive."
The girl says, "Umm, well, ok."
Gregg says, "Great!" So Gregg brings Sally to a tree so no one can see them, and then Sally says, "So what are we going to do behind this big tree?"
Gregg says, "Well pull down your pants, and I'll show ya."
Sally says, "Ok, it sounds fun!" And then Gregg pulls his pants down and tells Sally to lay on the ground. Then he puts his dick in Sally's pussy, and he goes up and down, up and down, up and down, and then Sally starts to moan more and more, and then suddenly a teacher hears her moan, and then the teacher sees what Gregg and Sally are doing, and then the teacher gets in on it, and both Gregg and Sally start fucking the teacher, and then the teacher moans, and then the whole school makes their own sex groups, and the whole school has threesomes...
THE END
What did the beat say to the rapper?
"You're off rhythm, but I'll give you a hand!"
Why did the rapper become a magician?
Because he wanted to drop some ILL-USIONS.
What did the rapper say when he lost his voice?
"I guess I'll have to drop a SILENT TRACK!"
God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:
God: No, I don’t want to.
What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?
Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.
What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?
"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"
I tried my best to think of some puns, but I'm gonna have tibia honest: I don't have any puns left, but I'm pretty sternum, so I'll think of a few puns here and there. It took a lot of spine to do this.
Random guy: Come on, Bin Laden, time is ticking. Get it, ticking. OK, I'll leave.