If jokes

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

If you tried to look at your hairline in a mirror, it would shatter into 100,000,000,000 pieces.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

Why did Hellen Keller's dogs run away?

Because wouldn't you runway too if your name was djhdhekdndyekedhekekfjkfurir?

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word “Mother-in-law” you get the words “Woman Hitler”.

If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

If you are a girl and your favorite movie as a kid was Mulan, they successfully made a man out of you.

The West is dying...just like the romance of an empire, especially the western part of the empire. Funny that, 'cause the East was going strong.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.

If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.

Student: Stands up.

Teacher: Why did you stand up?

Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.

Q: How can you tell if a Western is gay?

A: All the good guys are hung.