If jokes

If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

If you tried to look at your hairline in a mirror, it would shatter into 100,000,000,000 pieces.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

Like if you will sub to Patty Mahomes.

Comment if you will sub to Parker Finch.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

I only have a few friends, like if you relate.

Based on a true story.

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word “Mother-in-law” you get the words “Woman Hitler”.

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."

What’s the best part of fucking Noor’s vulva (btw Noor is black)? If my dick is right beside Mara’s vulva (btw Mara’s white and so am I).

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.