If jokes

If LEO were a spice, she’d be flour... BLAND and FORGETTABLE!

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

If Pete and Chasten Buttigieg had a baby, it would be a turd covered in semen.

If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!

Why don't orphans like getting lost?

Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support soon, people will start to think we are balls."

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Tyler is ugly.

If you are called Tyler, change your name.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

If you tried to look at your hairline in a mirror, it would shatter into 100,000,000,000 pieces.

If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?