If jokes
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
What would the Mandalorian be called if it was made in an aquatic center?
Mandachlorian.
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
Roses are red, I like weed,
If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
If hi = hi?
Who are you to believe if you don't believe in unicorns?
If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
If I was a cow and could dance, I'd bust some moooooves while I uddered some lyrics!
If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)
Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.
If a depressed kid tries to high five a tree, it leaves them hanging.
If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.
So I could put kids inside you.