If jokes
What can you do if you have a rotten piece of candy?
If you're gay, then what the f*** are you doing trying to walk straight?
"This is the dude who assassinated JFK."
"If you got a question, just shoot!"
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
Not all roses are red; Not all violets are blue; If you're reading this, God loves you.
My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.
Remember, if you are suffering from paranoia...
You are not alone.
I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.
An orphan girl's boyfriend broke up with her, what was his reason?
"If her parents didn't want her, why should I?"
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
If you play the movie "Jaws" in reverse, it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
If you're bored, pull a Technoblade, bully orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
If 6 guys are in a room with each other, is it technically a 6-pack?
If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.