If jokes

If mom saw you, she would die and be happy because of you being ugly.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

If you're waiting for a waiter at a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?

If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?

If you think vanilla and chocolate ice cream is just light and dark mode.

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

Yep, if someone says to you, "I can't roast trash," say, "Well, some trash is used for recycling, and that is why you have a baby brother!"

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom...

... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What grade is the worst, like if in elementary?

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper out of a tree, you know what will hit the floor first? The paper, because the rope will stop the emo.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

If you can't stand the heat, sit!

If 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, then why was 10 afraid?

Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11.