If jokes

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?

Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

What do orgasms and impulses have in common?

I don’t care if they have either of them.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

If a tree could be any animal, what would it be?

Answer: A dog because of its bark lol. 😀

If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Tyler is ugly.

If you are called Tyler, change your name.

I heard the Kardashians were going on a cruise soon.

As if there's not already enough plastic in the ocean.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support soon, people will start to think we are balls."

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.