If jokes

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

Imagine if a ninja got a low taper fade.

I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

If a tree could be any animal, what would it be?

Answer: A dog because of its bark lol. 😀

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

What do orgasms and impulses have in common?

I don’t care if they have either of them.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

What would Bill Cosby be if he was white?

Innocent.

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!

Why don't orphans like getting lost?

Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support soon, people will start to think we are balls."

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.