ID jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d never play a country song backwards for you!

Me: Okay, Papyrus. I'm no Sherlock Bones, but I'd say that Storyspin Sans is the Imposter.

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

That shirt's very becoming on you.

If I were on you, I’d be coming too.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

How do lesbians have sex? It’s too complicated. I’d have to show you.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.

A person laughs every day.

"Man," they say, "I'm glad I'm not an egg, otherwise I'd just CRACK MYseLf uP!"

I’d like to be a One Direction poster because I want to be nailed to the wall by a teenage girl ;)

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.