ID jokes

I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

Me: Okay, Papyrus. I'm no Sherlock Bones, but I'd say that Storyspin Sans is the Imposter.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

You also have to learn to say no. For example: "Would you like a piece of cake?" "No, I'd like two."

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d never play a country song backwards for you!

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

How do lesbians have sex? It’s too complicated. I’d have to show you.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.

A person laughs every day.

"Man," they say, "I'm glad I'm not an egg, otherwise I'd just CRACK MYseLf uP!"

I’d like to be a One Direction poster because I want to be nailed to the wall by a teenage girl ;)

If I had a dollar for every gender there is, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits.

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.