Hygiene jokes

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"

Yo mama is so ugly, when she took a bath, the water jumped out.

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!

What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

Badass Toilet Paper Company: We don't take shit off of anyone.

Why was the astronaut washing her hands?

She was getting ready to eat launch.

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

How do rappers keep themselves clean?

They drop SOAP BARS.

"Have you taken a bath?"

"No. Why, did one go missing?"

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!

What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."

Keep the planet clean. It's not Uranus.

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.

Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.